Kids: The Dirty Truth

As a new parent you may think that your primary job for the first few years will be to nurture and teach your young offspring. Its not. Its to keep them from living in their own excrement. Its true. Its not glamorous but its true.

As the mother of four I can pretty much guarantee you that the majority of your time will be spent wiping, washing, scrubbing and disinfecting. You see, the untold truth of the matter is this... kids are nasty. No really. They have virtually no cleanliness standards. And I promise that in the course of the first three years of your child's life, you will come in direct contact with at least three of the six major child bodily fluids (urine, feces, vomit, blood, spit and buggars). Not close contact- as in your hand is on the wipey that is on your baby's bottom. Direct contact. As in your hand is on the poop that is on your baby's bottom.

The baby industry tries to cover up the gruesome reality of the walking petri dish that is your kid by giving you bibs with funny quotes on it, polka dotted burp cloths, scented wipes and diapers with Disney characters. But I'm here to tell you the truth. Better- I'm here to show you the truth. Observe...

Vomit. The staple of any child's arsenal. If you're lucky you'll just clean it up. If you're unlucky (like me) you will clean it up off of yourself. And if you're really unlucky, your kid will be able to summon vomit on command. Nadia was a very gifted toddler.

Ok, this is never a good sign, in any of its parts. Missing diaper, small, wet foot prints leading to the carpet, mysterious puddle... tip: Don't smell the puddle!! Always assume its urine. You are a parent, the chances are in urine's favor, not yours. Proceed accordingly.

Not really a bodily fluid but a prime example of your child's constant pursuit of nastiness. They will find places like this and they will bathe there. It should be noted that the dog stayed out of the puddle. Diego may eat poop but even he draws the line at stagnant trash water.

Nadia clogged the toilet and took it's repair into her own hands. Note: We do not have high gloss tile floors. That is liquid. Refer to previous note and assume its urine. Proceed accordingly.

Then, last but most certainly not least... this.

Maya, after fire hosing the back seat of my Toyota Corolla with puke on the way home from Disneyland, was taking a relaxing bath. It was so relaxing in fact that Maya decided to use the bathtub as a giant toilet. Apparently the poop was cramping her style so she picked it up with her bare hands and flung it out onto the bathroom floor. For me discover. Much to my dismay.

I have two go-to exclamations that I make during times like this. "Are you serious?!" And "Why are you crying?"

The next day Carlos and I would say to her " Maya, you're nasty!" to which she would reply calmly "No. I not."

New parents, invest in wipable surfaces, hand sanitizer, a top notch carpet cleaner (trust me, when there's poopy footprints fossilizing on your living room carpet, there is no carpet cleaning company that will get there fast enough) and cleaning products that contain bleach. And avoid letting your child be exposed to black lights. Good luck to you.