A Poem

Its been awhile since I've posted. I started with one post a day while I was working through my backstock of photos and stories but once I got current, I had to sit back and wait for something to blog about. There's been a couple of times that Naomi has said to me "Mommy, look what Maya did! Can you use it in your blog?" And I would turn to her and say "No baby. Its not enough poop for mommy's blog." Well, the wait is over.

Before we begin, I want you to know that the events we're about to cover happened in ONE incident.

I decided the best way to write about this specific situation was to write it as a poem. Mostly because there's a lot of things that rhyme with the word "poo". This is gonna be fun! Can't you tell?

Ok, here goes...

Here's the girl who made the poo...

And here's the poo that got on her shoe..

Here's the poo that got on the ground...



Sadly that's not all the poo that I found.

Here's the poo that got onto the bed.

There's not much I dread more than poo in a bed!

Here's the poo that got onto the chair... How did poo get from her diaper to there?!

Why would you ever poo in the potty when its so much more fun using poo to be naughty? Watch some cartoons while the poo sits there drying. Then mommy comes in and says "Why are you crying!?"

P.S. I also do greeting cards if anyone is interested.

The Sound of Silence

"Wow! The kids were so great today! I actually got through a whole episode of Grey's Anatomy while I folded laundry on the bed and nobody bugged me for anything. I should check in on them, see if they want any snacks or something. Hey girls, do you want some... what the... are you serious? SERIOUSLY?!"

Sigh. At least she smelled good.

The Happy Meal Experiment

So today on Facebook someone posted this video called the Everlasting Happy Meal:
http://gizmodo.com/5662271/watch-six-months-of-a-happy-meals-eternal-life

Come on people! Tell us something us moms don't already know! In fact, I have this very experiment in various stages going on RIGHT NOW in the back seat of my Corolla. A petrified chicken nugget, a half eaten fossilized cheese burger (they all still look great by the way).

Potty Training and The Urban Myth

My German Shepherd was house broken by the age of three months so at the ripe old age of two, I'm not really sure what the hold up is with my toddler. Maya, who will be three in November, has been stuck in the halfway potty trained faze now for about a month. By that I mean she will pee in the potty but #2 will only be done standing by the hutch behind the dining room table.

You can tell a story like mine to a room full of parents and guaranteed you'll get as many different methods for potty training success as there are people in the room. "Try the pull ups! Give her a reward! Read her Everybody Poops!" they'll say. Sadly my copy of Everybody Poops was actually torn to shreds by a mob of toddlers one day in the toy room. Nothing personal- Everybody Poops was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I can't tell you how much joy it brought me, finding page fragments for the next two months all over the house with various pooping animal butts on it. Very inspirational. True story.

Anyway, after four kids I've heard my share of suggestions but to date my all time favorite is the potty training urban myth... you know, the one that says if you put your kid in underwear and let them pee all over themselves, they won't like being wet and will start to use the potty. Yeah. That one.

Usually the person who suggests that you use this method is another parent very close to you who harbors the power of influence, someone you should trust. Usually your sister or mother in law to be exact (insert me narrowing my eyes suspiciously. Hmmmm.).

I'm not saying they're lying exactly. I mean, I guess there could be a chance that their child wore soggy under pants once and immediately converted to the toilet using masses instead of peeing all over the house for three days straight until finally pooping on the sofa. All I'm saying is, this might be a hazing ceremony into some prestigious under ground parenting club and you should consider the odds before proceeding. I'm just saying.

Actually, I think I might suggest it to my sister in law when the time comes. I kind of feel like I've earned it you know? Like its a right of passage.

So everyone, besides the potty training literature, I've got all the stuff I need to further the toilet negotiation between me and my last born and I'm ready to ride this thing out. I warn you, it could be awhile. Just this morning Carlos asked Maya "So where do we do poo-poo Maya?" And she looked him dead in the eye and said "The bathtub!" (not a joke, she really said that). I'll be keeping you posted on the progress I'm sure. For now I will leave you with this video about how your child should wear her potty seat properly. Take notes.

Living In The Eye Of The Storm

I have a favorite quote by Phyllis Diller. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing ." At my house, its a constant blizzard.

We have a playroom that looks like a scene from the show Hoarders. The other day Nadia came into the living room very excited. "Mommy! I cleaned the play room! Can I get candy?"

Of course I was thrilled and hurried behind Nadia to the play room to see the great job she had done. As we near the open door, Nadia steps inside and proceeds to climb over a pile of toys so that she can make her way to small clearing in the middle of the room.

"See mommy? I cleaned this spot! So I get candy right?" I told her if she stood there and pointed to the spot for the picture, we could work something out.

There are certain things I hate in my house. Crayons. Anything with beads. Playdough.

Damn you Playdough. Damn you to hell.


If you think cleaning up these messes is tiring, you should try making them. Totally exhausting.

 Of course my favorite messes take place in the bathroom.

Of course the toilet paper is just the white- red flag that there's something even better in the toilet waiting for you. Not poop of course! They wouldn't dream about putting poop in a toilet. No, its probably just your make-up bag or car keys. Relax.

Working From Home. A Mommy's Dream.

When I started working from home with my custom cake business, I had a new born, a one year old and a two year old. Needless to say, creating a work-life balance was step number one.

There's only really two things you need to run a successful home business when there's kids around. A great private office and a sturdy reliable baby gate. First I had to get an office. You know, for all my business calls. A quiet place, where the kids constant screaming wouldn't interrupt my client's experience. Ah! There it is! Perfect...

It echoed, yes, but mommy's can't be choosers.

Then I had to figure out how to keep the kids and the work separated. I couldn't have them around the cakes you know? So I went out and spent top dollar on a top of the line baby gate.

I've been meaning to write a very strongly worded letter to the makers of that baby gate.

Kids: The Dirty Truth

As a new parent you may think that your primary job for the first few years will be to nurture and teach your young offspring. Its not. Its to keep them from living in their own excrement. Its true. Its not glamorous but its true.

As the mother of four I can pretty much guarantee you that the majority of your time will be spent wiping, washing, scrubbing and disinfecting. You see, the untold truth of the matter is this... kids are nasty. No really. They have virtually no cleanliness standards. And I promise that in the course of the first three years of your child's life, you will come in direct contact with at least three of the six major child bodily fluids (urine, feces, vomit, blood, spit and buggars). Not close contact- as in your hand is on the wipey that is on your baby's bottom. Direct contact. As in your hand is on the poop that is on your baby's bottom.

The baby industry tries to cover up the gruesome reality of the walking petri dish that is your kid by giving you bibs with funny quotes on it, polka dotted burp cloths, scented wipes and diapers with Disney characters. But I'm here to tell you the truth. Better- I'm here to show you the truth. Observe...

Vomit. The staple of any child's arsenal. If you're lucky you'll just clean it up. If you're unlucky (like me) you will clean it up off of yourself. And if you're really unlucky, your kid will be able to summon vomit on command. Nadia was a very gifted toddler.

Ok, this is never a good sign, in any of its parts. Missing diaper, small, wet foot prints leading to the carpet, mysterious puddle... tip: Don't smell the puddle!! Always assume its urine. You are a parent, the chances are in urine's favor, not yours. Proceed accordingly.

Not really a bodily fluid but a prime example of your child's constant pursuit of nastiness. They will find places like this and they will bathe there. It should be noted that the dog stayed out of the puddle. Diego may eat poop but even he draws the line at stagnant trash water.

Nadia clogged the toilet and took it's repair into her own hands. Note: We do not have high gloss tile floors. That is liquid. Refer to previous note and assume its urine. Proceed accordingly.

Then, last but most certainly not least... this.

Maya, after fire hosing the back seat of my Toyota Corolla with puke on the way home from Disneyland, was taking a relaxing bath. It was so relaxing in fact that Maya decided to use the bathtub as a giant toilet. Apparently the poop was cramping her style so she picked it up with her bare hands and flung it out onto the bathroom floor. For me discover. Much to my dismay.

I have two go-to exclamations that I make during times like this. "Are you serious?!" And "Why are you crying?"

The next day Carlos and I would say to her " Maya, you're nasty!" to which she would reply calmly "No. I not."

New parents, invest in wipable surfaces, hand sanitizer, a top notch carpet cleaner (trust me, when there's poopy footprints fossilizing on your living room carpet, there is no carpet cleaning company that will get there fast enough) and cleaning products that contain bleach. And avoid letting your child be exposed to black lights. Good luck to you.